I remember December 31, 2007 like it was yesterday, and at the same time it feels like 100 years ago.

My little girl, Alexis, was born on December 2^nd of that year, and I was already madly in love with her.

On New Year’s Eve, I was doing what I always did – making resolutions galore, but also holding my beautiful baby girl in my arms.   As I looked at her, I realized that I did not want her to grow up with a mom who hated herself & didn’t even want to look in the mirror.

The scale was 235 pounds when she was born, which was the largest I had been in my life.

Being overweight for most of my life up to that point – I made the same resolutions that year that I always made – “lose weight” – “work out” – ad nauseam.

But this time I decided I would try to do things a little differently & actually ask for help from others.

I joined weight watchers, hired a personal trainer & started taking yoga classes at the gym.

Being part of a like-minded community, and having others helped me take off 90 pounds that year, but I still hated myself when I looked in the mirror.

I continued taking those yoga classes at the gym, because during those classes – were the only times the harsh voices in my head that told me I was “not enough” of whatever – were actually quiet.

Even though I had lost 90 pounds – I still had no self-confidence, and truly felt like the rest of the world had some “secret to happiness” that I was never going to learn.

I finally got up the confidence to join an actual yoga studio – which was terrifying.   I had lived most of my life in a larger body, and definitely not flexible or athletic.  I was certain that everyone would see me for the fraud I was.

Thankfully, reality was much different than the thoughts in my head (per usual), and the teachers & students at the yoga studio eventually became like family to me.

However – they had mirrors in the studio, and I still couldn’t look at myself despite the countless cues to “look at your own eyes in the mirror”.   I still did not love that person staring back at me.

Eventually – the hard shell of self-hatred & self-doubt that surrounded my heart began to crack – as I found the courage to start looking at my own eyes in the mirror.   In those early days, I would often find myself in tears by the end of class, or even after certain poses.  I started shedding the layers of myself (and I’m not talking about the scale), and I began on a journey of connection with self.

It is 9 years later, and I live a very different life than I thought I would.   I am still very much on the journey to self-love, but I also get to encourage others to do the same as a yoga teacher.

My little girl has severe autism, (more about that in my other blog posts) and she is constantly challenging me to live in alignment with my highest self.

This year I have had to re-examine a lot of things about myself, and sit with a lot of uncomfortable feelings.   The difference today is that I am willing to do the work of being honest, vulnerable & even sometimes very lonely.  I’m willing to look at my feet, and change directions if I know I am walking towards something that will harm me or others.

So this year, I haven’t sat down and made of list of things I hate about myself.  I’ve made a list of my strengths, the things that make my heart happy & make me feel like I’m living in alignment with my highest self.   I’ve resolved to use my strengths to continue to be the best version of me, and make more time for those things that make my heart sing.

I wish you the happiest 2017, and my wish for you is that you will find a way to your own heart this year.

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I started practicing yoga, because my life was pretty broken.

My daughter had just been diagnosed with autism – and my personal demons were louder than ever.   Tired of seeking out therapists and relying on my vices of food and red wine – I knew that I had to seek out healing – and I decided to give yoga a whirl.

It was through my practice that the voices of self-judgement began to quiet down – my heart started to un-break a little – and my body & heart began to be stronger – more flexible – and stable.  I slowly became more mindful of my body – and the tools and techniques I used to cope with stress.  Yoga was for me – and I was in love!

Fast forward 6 years – I am now a yoga teacher who tries to peek her head out into the community when time permits (which truly isn’t much these days!).  I have kept largely quiet about my physical transformation, because the spiritual transformation has been the larger of the two.  I also still fight with my own insecurities – and respect teachers with all body sizes.  We are all on different journeys – and I never want to discount the journey of another teacher or student.

My life journey has been one that is littered with extremely low self esteem- eating disorders and self hatred.  I always felt like everyone else had the secret or the key to life – and I obviously would never figure it out.

I grew up as an overweight child – and was an overweight teenager – weighing 220 pounds in my freshman year of high school.

I was terribly shy – and unsure of myself – and I put myself on many diets and exercise programs to lose the weight.  I always talked to myself in a very mean and condescending way in order to shed the pounds.   I was constantly punishing and restricting myself, and I didn’t allow myself to enjoy my life.

I was able to starve myself down by 85  pounds by my senior year of high school – but the weight loss was short lived – and I gained it all back and more by the time I reached my 20th birthday.

I was able to lose and re-gain the weight 2 more times before my 30th birthday, but It was actually 6 months before my 29th birthday that I lost all the weight again and started a consistent yoga practice.

A little over 6 years later – and I can honestly say that this is the longest time in my life that I have not been overweight by medical guidelines for my height and frame.

I do not owe this dramatic change in my life to any miracle diets or weight loss drugs.  This change in my life is due to the spiritual surgery I have undergone in my yogic journey.

I have learned to love and respect my body by living my yoga practice off of the mat.

When I am feeling intensity in my practice – I remind myself to – breathe, engage – and let go of the results. Learning how to sit with my feelings – even when they aren’t awesome – has transformed my life.  We must learn how to face fear and difficulty head on – and look it straight in the eye.  It is only through that process that the old parts of ourselves that no longer serve us can truly fall away.

On my yoga mat – I have also learned to stop comparing myself to others – and imagining that everyone else holds a secret to life that I am missing.

We all show up to our mat with our stories – strengths – weaknesses – sadness – joy – and things that make us individual.  The body holds all of these things within each one of us, and it is completely unfair for me to compare my yoga practice to that of another.

I still have my days where I show up and feel like a complete phony, and that my cover will be blown.  I worry that people won’t want to take my class, because I’m not as athletic as some teachers.  There are days I can hold arm balances – and days that I fall flat on my face with each attempt.

However – the truth of the matter is that we are all just showing up and doing our best on this path.  My students – my teachers – and my friends have always shown me love, compassion & encouragement to keep going – keep shining – and to drop the self criticism out of my dialogue.

If there is such a thing is a yoga for weight loss story – this is mine.  My body has stayed at a healthy weight for the last 6 years – but the real “weight loss” has been the weight of my own insecurities, self hatred and doubt.  I feel lighter in my soul and spirit – because I love who I am as a person on most days.  I love to laugh a lot – because despite all my struggles – I am a pretty happy soul – and I do my best to accept all parts of me.

And in the end – when we can begin to learn love and acceptance for ourselves – (flaws, fears and struggles included!) – we are closer to the light.

It is that neutral time of year again.   That week or so between Christmas and New Years.

The overindulgence of the Christmas meals – the spending – the time spent with relatives – and extended family – it is all winding down now.  It is time to reflect on the past year – what has been weighing us down – and what we can let go of to create space for new dreams and aspirations in the new year.

During this time of neutrality – I notice that I tend to invariably find myself in a negative place of judgement against myself.   What is it that makes me feel I need to give something up—sweets or soda (usually food related)?   My natural tendance is to focus more on what I have been doing wrong and that ultimately implies that I am not enough.

Well – I am kind of over those old – “self punishing” resolutions.

Since going through the journey of becoming a yoga teacher – I am finding more and more that if I am going to teach others the way to self acceptance – and love through yoga – I have got to stop focusing on what is wrong with me all the time.  Not to say that I have no accountability or morals – but I have to start treating myself with care, compassion and love – the way that I would a dear friend.  I wouldn’t yell at a dear friend and call them names – would I?  So why do I do it to myself?

This year I would like to try to do things a little different.

The first thing is to make internal vows to myself  –  promises to myself.  I don’t need to go down a long list of resolutions to be this – do that – give that up – etc – I just need to write down some things that I promise myself to do.  Over the years I have learned that When you keep a promise to yourself, it’s sacred.

Next – Instead of focusing on what “I want” – I will focus on what “I am”  (even if I am not there yet!)  Example:  I want to be a wonderful yoga teacher……No – I am a wonderful yoga teacher.  I feel that the word “want” signals lack …..and if the mind is focused on lack – you cannot recieve.

Following “becoming” – is “aligning”.   When I say “aligining” – I am talking about aligning myself with my higher purpose.   I need to truly ask myself….”What is my highest potential – and how can I serve it?”  In my times of quiet and meditation – I need to learn to listen to that small steady voice.  That voice is usually my true purpose.  My entire life I have tried to quell this voice – or distract this voice.  But when I truly open my heart and allow myself to hear this small voice – I am able to align myself to my higher purpose.   Honestly – this usually comes about my taking the next right action in life.  Putting one foot in front of the other and trusting the process.  Those day to day mundane tasks….putting myself aside and doing things for others.  This is when that voice speaks to me the loudest.

Lastly – I need to practice letting go.  We cannot recieve until we let go.   That doesn’t mean that we don’t have desires, goals and dreams. Rather, it means we have a clear view of what the spirit is calling for and faith in the abundance of the Universe.   That is how I got to be a yoga teacher in the first place!  I put it out to the Universe – and then I let it go.   Believe me….it wasn’t the path I thought it would be – in many many regards – but – the end result was the goal – or the promise.  The goal was achieved by trusting the process.

So – instead of writing a list about the weight I think I need to lose (believe me – no matter how fit I am – there is always a mean little voice telling me that I am not enough) – or the workouts I need to do…..or the foods I need to give up……..I am going to try something different this year.

Happy New Year to all!!